Monday, March 21, 2011


Sorry I never got back to update after the last post.  I did hear back from the nurses about the spotting.  They didn’t have me come in, but I did get some more clarity on my last ultrasound.  There apparently is some placenta previa with local abruptions.  Not much I can do about any of this, but hope that it resolves itself as the baby grows.

Knowing this did give me a few new fears though.  Because what would motherhood be without a few more irrational fears?!  My biggest fear is the previa not correcting itself and then not having any option, but a cesarean delivery.  Then throw on top of that the concern of an early delivery, possibly causing a NICU stay for the baby.

Really though, I’m trying hard not to think of all the bad things and just taking each day more that the baby bakes as a blessing.

In other news, after almost a week of getting sick every.single.morning. I talked with the nurses at my OB office about my acid reflux and horrid gag reflex.  My voice was hoarse from throwing up just stomach acid.  I was to the point where it didn’t matter if I ate right away after getting up or waited – my body was determined to purge.

My OB did not want me to continue on this path – so they prescribed an anti-nausea medication to help while they looked into other options.  In addition, I’m taking Prilosec every day.   They are working with a GI specialist to get me through this and I will more than likely have to have a consult either during my pregnancy or after to make sure I’m not causing anymore lifelong damage.  The specialist did make a new recommendation – so I’ll be on Prilosec and liquid Maalox to combat the issue.  If it continues to get worse, then I’ll definitely be in to see them.

I have stopped getting sick every morning, but I’m still coughing from the acid and have a raspy voice.

On the bright side – I’m feeling lots of baby movement and tomorrow is the big anatomy (20 week) ultrasound!!  Wooo!!  Pending of course a crappy snow storm that wants to hit my area – they’re talking over a foot of snow.  Yuck!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Yet again...

I'm left in limbo of what my body is trying to do.  I started spotting again last night and it's still there today - thankfully brown spotting (which indicates old blood).  Still doesn't make me feel any better that it's happening though.  I'm sitting in fear that anytime I feel something, it's a gush of blood and the worst is happening.

I'm at work, should be getting stuff done, but can't seem to concentrate on anything.

I called my OB's office, but because it's just brown spotting, I'm sure they won't want me to come in any sooner.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Belly Bump :)

I was actually feeling cute today and not like I had the most epic beer belly

17 Weeks 4 Days

I've also been feeling a lot of movement the last few days - can't wait for DH to be able to feel from the outside too!  Only 2 weeks until the big ultrasound!!

Friday, February 25, 2011

16 Week Ultrasound & Appointment

I had my level 2 ultrasound and follow-up with my OB today.  My appointments started down in u/s.  Baby was nicely tucked away and relaxing – not as much movement as the previous u/s.  I’m sure it’s because I hadn’t had breakfast and my bladder was nowhere near full.  With ankles crossed and one arm resting on it’s forehead the tech took all sorts of measurements.  Several were put aside until my 20 week u/s simply because the baby is still so small (a mere 6 ounces) at this point.  After we discussed why I was there, she took a lot of time looking over my cervix (nice and long still) and placenta.  Because of the positioning at this time, she did a trans-vaginal u/s to look at the bottom of my placenta.  This is where I noticed her doing a lot of measuring and what appeared to be an abnormal spacing (to me) and I knew something had to be up.  Unfortunately, u/s tech’s don’t tell you much so I knew I would have to wait until I saw my OB to start asking too many questions. 

We didn’t get a lot of great pictures, but we did get this nice 3D shot of the baby.  With no body fat yet, sure does look pretty skeletal and “alien-like.”

16 Weeks

We also attempted to peak at the gender, but baby had it’s legs pretty tight and the guess we got today is simply a guess.  I’m pretty sure I saw the same thing the tech was, so I’m going to say I’m 90% sure we’ll be welcoming a little girl into our house in August.  :)  It would only make sense that a girl is the one keeping mommy on her toes and making things a little bit complicated!

After getting done in u/s, I went up to see my OB.  He did the usual weight, blood pressure, tummy, and heartbeat checks.  Then we went over my u/s results.  The cause of my bleeding was due to a placental hemorrhage.  It is healing according to what the u/s tech saw, but I still need to take it easy and let things continue to heal.  With that, I’m stuck on “limited activity” still and counting down until my next appointment.

I go back in 4 weeks on March 22nd,  to have my 20 week (WOW, I’ll be half way done with this pregnancy!) u/s and see my OB again.  I’m sure the gender will be confirmed at this u/s and we’ll have LOTS of fun pictures of the baby.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

When Cravings Turn Bad...

Tuesday I worked late and my plan was to go home (to my quiet house because the tornados were out with their dad) and just eat a sandwich and enjoy the quiet.  Well, my co-workers were chatting up about food before I left and Little Caesar’s came up.  I'm not a huge fan of their pizza, but there is something about their Crazy Bread!!  So, what happens when a pregnant girl talks about food?  She gets an immediate, must-have craving for it!!

I ran through the drive-through just as they were pulling fresh Crazy Bread out - if any of you out there are bread lovers like myself, you know how wonderful just out of the oven bread is!  Needless to say my goal of only eating a couple pieces turned into devouring the ENTIRE bag!  Oops!!

The rest of the night, all I felt was misery as my body tried to digest the lump of bread sitting in my stomach.

The next morning rolls around and I have my usual gag-reflex problems trying to brush my teeth in the shower (unfortunately, this is an almost every morning problem) and end up throwing up.  Ugh!  Who knew your body has that hard of time digesting bread because I'm pretty sure the disgusting-ness that came out was hardly digested from the night before AND to boot just as garlicky.

Pretty sure I won't have any cravings for Crazy Bread in the near future.  :(

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

As usual...

I'm behind on updating on here from my last appointment (by almost a week - gasp!).

I did finally get in on Thursday morning last week to see my OB.  Although, he was not aware at all that I was there due to bleeding.  He seemed pretty miffed when I asked him if he knew I was there for follow-up and not just a regular prenatal appointment because he didn’t know.

We went over everything that I experienced prior to the ER visit and while I what happened in the ER.  In his (30 year) experience, he said bleeding at this stage is related to one of four reasons.  His best judgment is that the bleeding was caused by the placenta growing and continuing to need to burrow into the uterine wall.  As it's doing this in my case, it's most likely disrupting vessels and causing the bleeding.  He also said that in his experience, he's probably only seen 2-5% lose the pregnancy after bleeding of this nature.

For the time being, I'm going to be watched closely and he wants me on limited "bed rest."  Never had a "high risk" pregnancy before, but hopefully I won't stay one.  In his words, if this is related to the burrowing of the placenta, I should "grow out of it."  The limited bed rest currently only entails a few things - thankfully!!  So, no lifting (even the tiny tornados), no exercising, basically just keep it mellow!  Even though my OB didn't say anything regarding intercourse, my husband and I have decided to stay away from it for awhile (as much as that is driving my pregnant libido insane, I'm willing to agree if it keeps the babe safe).

I definitely felt a lot better after seeing my OB – I completely trust his experience and it helped calm a lot of my fears just to talk things out with him.  I know I have no control over what is going to happen at this point, but it’s nice to know someone with a LOT of experience is keeping his eyes on me.

I go back in two weeks – Friday the 25th and will have a level 2 (hour long) ultrasound and then will see my OB afterwards.  Hopefully this will either tell us what is causing the bleeding or it’ll show everything is good.  I’ll be 16 weeks by then and am hopeful that we might get a shot at knowing the gender too! :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Tomorrow is a new day...

Thank goodness each day starts anew!

I was suppose to have my follow-up appointment with my OB today for the bleeding I experienced last Saturday.  I shouldn't have felt so confident with myself and the traffic on the way down to my OB office (from my work to the other side of town) because just as I'm about to turn on the last 6 blocks to get there, I'm stopped by a train.  I had to sit in the turning lane and wait and wait and wait (trains are really long around here), so as I saw the end of the train and my light was still green, I pulled out so I could at least turn left on the street I wanted.  As I was waiting for the traffic to clear before I could turn, the light turns red and I watch this car (without it's signal on) make a right turn right in front of me - she was just following the traffic in front of her, oblivious that the light had turned (on her cell as well).  I had to wait for her before I could finish making my left hand turn and as I'm doing it this car that wants to come across the intersection (because her light is obviously green) starts blaring her horn at me.  So my choice, would have been to be just as oblivious as the lady making the right on red and hit her or let the other lady t-bone me...thankfully I was paying to attention and screamed back at her (because you know she heard me)!

The parking is always terrible at the clinic, but thankfully there was a spot for me to sneak into.  I'm practically running towards the clinic - cussing the whole time over being late and it taking me 30 minutes to get to my appointment.  I get up to the desk and the girl looks at me and goes - "we don't have anything set up for you today."  I immediately felt myself falling apart emotionally, but kept it together to tell her specifically who I talked to and when.  She looks over to the girl at the next desk as the one I spoke to and her face drops.  To top everything off, my OB was not in at all today and they thought it was best for me to see him and not just the nurse practitioner who was there.  Guess who has the first appointment of the day tomorrow?!  You guessed it, ME!  They better give me an ultrasound and some answers tomorrow!

I do feel horrible for my husband though, I called him as I was leaving the clinic.  I don't think he really heard anything audible, as I was sobbing.  I'm sure he thought the worst at the moment, but thankfully I was finally able to get out what happened to him.  These clinics really should know not to screw anything up with a hormonal and emotional pregnant women - ESPECIALLY one who has been experiencing bleeding!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fetal Heart Doppler

I fell for the craze on the WTE boards and bought myself a fetal heart doppler.  I have no idea what I was catching when I used it the first few times (I'm guessing my own heart beat, even though it was reading pretty fast), but I found the baby well last night.  Right smack dab in the middle below my belly button (I thought it was kind of weird to find the baby waaaaay off on my left side when I tried before).  I think I could have sat and listened for hours and hours.  We definitely have an active baby, as I was listening I could hear the baby's movement hit the probe of the doppler.  Pretty sure every time I heard that, I giggled.  :)

I'm still feeling a lot of emotions towards the unknown of this pregnancy.  I know I don't want to spend the rest of the time afraid of everything I feel, but I can't shake it.  I'm even having a hard time justifying twinges and pinches as something normal like round ligament pain.  In addition, every time I feel something "leaking" below, I want to run to the bathroom to make sure I'm not bleeding again.

Really hopeful my OB can give me some reassurance tomorrow.  I will be fine if I can't, but it would also be awesome if he said I was fine to have caffeine again.  I was daydreaming of Caribou on my way to work today.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."
Proverbs 16:9

Monday, February 7, 2011

Just as I published the last post, I got the phone call I had been impatiently patiently waiting for.

The OB who reviewed my case did not feel I needed to be seen today by her because the bleeding had subsided, but they did want me to see my OB this week and not wait until my scheduled appointment on the 17th.  I go in on Wednesday for follow-up.  Praying they have some reason for this and that it's something that will correct itself before baby gets bigger and the size of everything could cause further complications.
I keep trying to take deep breaths, but for some reason I can’t get rid of the overwhelming feeling I have consuming me.  Today has been filled with many more emotions than I expected.  It’s been a couple days since my last ER visit and it’s like it has all just sunk in.  I am supposed to be working and can’t get my mind off of the unknown.

What scares me the most is knowing there is nothing they can do for the baby if my body decides it no longer wants to be pregnant.  The ER doctor flat out said because I am less than 20 weeks, there is nothing they can or will really do.  Essentially, if my body decides to go into labor, I’ll just deliver the baby and it will die.  I know this is a horrible thought to have, but it’s in the back of my head and it breaks my heart.

It is really hard to grasp why all this is happening.  The doctors have yet to come up with any kind of medical reason.  The reasons I’m coming up with on my own, really aren’t definite causes either.

I called into my OB office this morning to see what kind of follow-up they would like me to do.  My doctor is not in on Monday’s, but his nurse and I talked.  She is taking my situation to one of the other OB’s and was going to get back to me.  It’s been a little while now and I was hoping to hear from her, but I’m fighting back the urge to be one of those patients who doesn’t give them a normal amount of time.  I’m hopeful that they will have me come in and do an extensive ultrasound – to see if they can find an answer to all of this bleeding.  Part of me wonders if it’s better to not have an answer because oblivion is bliss (even if it’s filled with fear).  At least having the reassurance of seeing the baby would help my heart.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I really wish I wouldn't have taken for granted how problem-free and text book my last two pregnancies were.  It seems like the time we actually plan a pregnancy - there have to be constant complications.  Yesterday was another long day spent in the ER.

The tiny tornadoes had spent Friday night with my mom so my husband and I could have a break.  My mom lives about 45 minutes from us, so we drove down yesterday to get them.  We had a nice lunch and then decided to make our way up to another nearby city for my nephew's hockey game - another 45 minute drive ahead of us.  About 10 miles down the road, I had this gushing feeling.  I thought I was peeing my pants - although odd to feel like I have no control over the feeling, I didn't put it past my bladder.  I asked if we could stop at the next gas station.  As I stood up to go inside, I had the gushing feeling again.  Totally miffed and kind of pissed at body for doing this to me already, considering there is not a 36 week fetus jumping on my bladder at this point.  As soon as I begin to pull down my pants to sit down in the stall, I see all the blood and realize what the gushing was.

Last week I ordered a fetal heart doppler - so, I've been listening to the baby's heart beat every couple days or so.  The only thing easing my mind when I saw the blood was that we had just listened to the heart beat the night before.

I immediately called up to the OB nurses station at my hospital and they told me to come straight to the ER.  Our really good friends met us at the ER and took our vehicle with the kids back to their house, so we didn't have to worry about what we were going to do with them in the ER.  We really don't know what we would do without good friends like them.

I must state that this ER visit, was nothing like the last as far as service.  Don't get me wrong, the doctor I had was really good, but the nurses weren't anything overly special.  The nurse that brought me back also had a student nurse - as much as I believe everyone has to learn, I really wasn't looking forward to being a demonstration.

They went over 50 questions and I continued to feel the "gush" of more blood while sitting there.  They then had to move me to a different room so the doctor would be able to do an internal exam.  The bed in the room I was in didn't have the stirrups.  Once we got to the other room, they started an IV.  This is where the demonstration side came in.  The student nurse "tried" on top of my right hand - she didn't get it.  So, the experienced nurse comes over and goes at it on my left forearm.  She got it in on her first try, but it BURNED like crazy when she put it in and it NEVER stopped burning until it came out.

Next came ultrasound - as soon as she put the wand on my belly, she turned the screen to me and showed us our ever active baby.  I didn't see the screen much after that because of how she had to be in the small room with her equipment.  My husband did watch and said baby was moving the entire time.

The doctor came at the end and went over all the blood work they had taken and the ultrasound.  Everything looked great, EXCEPT for the bleeding.  At this point, they're labeling it as a "threatened abortion/miscarriage."  Basically, there is nothing they can do for me regarding losing the baby until I'm past 20 weeks.  It's really hard not wanting to find a reason to blame myself for this, but the doctor did his best that there was nothing I did.  He put me on pelvic/bed rest for 48 hours and then I have to call my OB office tomorrow when they open.  I was pretty exhausted by the time we got home and fell asleep right before 9 pm.

Today, I'm still having really mild cramping, but the bleeding seems to have completely diminished (thank goodness).  I still feel kind of off.  I'm just really hoping that if things do get the chance to progress, I don't continue to have problems or possibly have premature labor.  As selfish as this may sound, we really cannot afford for me to end up on bed rest at home (even with the benefits I have through my work).
I've been meaning to write about our first prenatal appointment since I had it almost a month ago.  For time sake, I'm going to try to get out the shortest version.

My OB did an internal ultrasound where we got to watch baby moving around like crazy and even see the cord pulsating.  It's amazing how clear everything was with an internal versus abdominal ultrasound.  We discussed the bleeding a few days earlier and he figured it was from the baby implanting and the placenta attaching/burrowing into the uterine wall.  It's apparently fairly common, even if I hadn't experienced it with my previous pregnancies.  He is leaving my due date based on my FF chart and we will discuss induction at term due to my previous labor being so quick.

Here's a picture of our beautiful babe.

10 weeks 5 days

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Fear. Simply put, that's all I was feeling for the last 12-18 hours.  Fear all the dreams of baby #3 where going to be taken away.  Fear I had done something horribly wrong in some way.  Fear that I would have to somehow deal with it alone because this just isn't something you want to share with anyone.

Last night when I went to the bathroom, I wiped and it was pink.  Remembering I had had a tough time going to the bathroom earlier in the day, I thought I was maybe seeing some leftover pink from a rear issue all too many pregnant women (and non-pregnant women) experience.  So, being the paranoid person I am, I wiped again and realized that the pink was coming from the place I was dreading.  So what does a crazy, paranoid pregnant women do next, but check her cervix.  Still nice and closed, but more blood is found.  I have had absolutely NO bleeding in either of my previous pregnancies, seeing this scared me more than I can express in words.

To back track a little - we decided to stay with my parents last night after a busy day and just not really having a reason to be in a hurry to get home.  I'm starting to think God had a reason after what I experienced this morning.

After the TP incident, I went to bathroom once more before bed.  Again, finding blood on the TP, but thankful it was still not enough to get on my underwear.  I went to bed hoping I would be able to sleep.  A million thoughts raced through my mind.  Mostly a result of my lovely ability to read too much and in turn know too much for my own good.  The thing breaking my heart the most, was knowing that I saw red blood (new blood) and that usually means something bad in a pregnancy.  I talked to my husband and he did his best to reassure me and hold my hand while I cried - all the while trying to make sure my parents didn't have a clue.

I did manage to sleep for a few hours, amongst some mild cramps, achy back, and my 2 year old tornado deciding she wanted to sleep with mom and dad.  When I went to the bathroom this morning, I did wipe and find more blood (again, just on the TP - thankfully nothing heavier).  Then, I had to go again about 30 minutes later, this time when I wiped I found quite a bit of blood and clots.  My heart sank and I decided that I would have to fight my cheap side and go to the ER.  Go to the ER in a town that is not known for having the greatest ER AND get a nasty bill in turn.

Knowing we wouldn't want the tiny tornadoes with us while we might get heartbreaking news about their new baby brother/sister AND knowing I did not want to be there by myself, I had to tell my parents so we could leave the kids with them.  I had to tell my dad, as my mom was still asleep - hardest thing ever is to see that kind of fear flood your own father.  The father who has a family history of fertility and miscarriage problems - who has always worried about this for me, his only daughter.

The perk of being at my parents during all of this, is that the trip to the ER was only 5 minutes, instead of the 30 if we would have been home.  We sat in the ER for a little while, while they got me all registered.  Every nurse that came in, gave me the biggest hug and told me I would be ok.  The doctor on call came in and told me her story, 2 healthy babies, 2 miscarriages, and then a very expensive little girl.  Knowing that she understood EVERY thing I was feeling inside, made me feel a little more secure in my care.  She immediately ordered an ultrasound as our first step.

We waited what was probably only 20 minutes, but felt like an eternity, for the tech to come get us.  She brought us right in and got to work with the warm jelly on my belly.  She told me she didn't want to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound and mess with mother nature any more if she didn't have to.  Immediately, I saw what was recognizably where the baby should be.  I didn't think I saw anything inside, just an empty looking black hole - my heart sank.  Then, she moved around, zoomed in, and there was the baby, but I didn't see the heartbeat - my heart sank again.  The tech starts to name things off and I realized she wouldn't be doing that if something were wrong - she zoomed in and there was our baby (only one too, I might add), bouncing and moving all around.  Heartbeat was good and strong at 168 and I even measured 2 days ahead.

AHHHHHH - HUGE sigh of relief!

Our baby was going strong, but I still wondered where the heck the bleeding was coming from?!  We got back to the room and talked some more with the ER doc.  She felt is was best not to give me an internal exam and let me follow up my OB this week.  The bleeding could still be old, from when the baby implanted and the ultrasound didn't show anything serious it was coming from - so she did not want to disturb or create anything worse with the bleeding.  She told me to go home and rest and get some fibercon.  lol

Now, we just wait until my first official appointment with my OB on Wednesday.  I'm working hard to rest and maybe catch up on some sleep I missed out while my mind was racing last night.  I finding the hardest thing, is not picking up my kids and making them climb up and sit with me.

In the meantime, here's a pic of our bean to enjoy.


"Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift."
2 Corinthians 9:15

Friday, January 14, 2011


My patience level seems to be pretty low lately.  Especially towards my first prenatal appointment - seriously, I've waited 6 weeks for this darn appointment and it still isn't here! 

Thankfully, my patience seems to only be low on all things that really don't matter much.  I have, so far, been able to keep my composure with the tiny tornadoes and my husband.  I do continue to have small, hormone induced, outbursts about stupidity at work on occasion (but really, who doesn't?!).

My point of this post though is in regards to this necklace.  I have been in LOVE with it since the day I saw it. 

A few months after I saw the necklace, I was pondering my next tattoo and it all starting coming together.  I've always known I wanted one on my foot, but didn't know what.  I decided because it would probably be my last tattoo, I wanted it to reflect my children somehow.  I had an epiphany one night after listening to one of my favorite songs, Three Little Birds by Bob Marley (Elizabeth Mitchell also does an awesome rendition).  That epiphany brought me to my tattoo idea and back to this necklace.  Making me desire both a little more! :)  The tattoo, has to wait for many obvious reasons.  I'm hoping to find someone to draw it up - I want 3 sparrows, in different colors, going up my foot with something tying them together.

I still REALLY want this necklace though.  So, when Vintage Pearl sends me emails with a discount, I want to scream because I can't go buy this necklace until we know the gender of the baby and have decided on a name.  My plan is to get a cross in the little circle and then (obviously) three birds on the oval part with all of the tiny tornado's names.  :)

Maybe if I buy myself a gift certificate, I'll feel better about the wait.  lol

PS...sorry for any rambling, my brain is all over the place lately (suppose the double shot mocha had this morning isn't helping either.

10 weeks today - 1/4 of the way done!  wooo!
wait, what?!  1/4 of the way done already - I'm scared! lol

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Just 7 more days!!

Until my first appointment!!  Ahhh, I can hardly wait!

Unfortunately, all this waiting is causing the crazy hormones to mess with me and create irrational fears.


Friday, January 7, 2011

It was as if he read my mind!

With both of my previous pregnancies,  I had a "thing" (ok, ok...maybe an obsession) with ice cream.  Basically any flavor from maple nut to cookies and cream and beyond was just fine by me and my growing fetuses.  Serve it in a bowl or a cone with chocolate or caramel sauce, I'm not picky.

I blame it on my mom - she tells me that when she was pregnant with me she would go through gallons of Schwan's vanilla ice cream because she had to have a dish every night before bed.

Well, I'm almost afraid to say it, but the ice cream fetish is continuing it's life in pregnancy number three!

While dinner was finishing up in the oven, I whipped together some brownies to cook while we were eating (another item I can't resist, but really? who can when they're warm?!).  As they were cooking and I was smelling them, I realized we didn't have any vanilla ice cream and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted ice cream with my brownies! :)

So, I was deciphering a plan on how I could convince my husband to pick some up while he was at work and stop home with it.  But that was giving me guilt and so I was setting myself up to just be satisfied with my brownies alone.

Then, not 10 minutes later someone was at the door...the Schwan man!! was as if he had read my mind!

Seriously?!  A man that delivers ice cream (in many flavors I might add) right to my front door, is just about any pregnant woman's dream come true!

Now I'm sitting here, with my yummy bowl of warm brownies and ice cream....mmmmmm!!

9 weeks and waiting on the next irrational craving.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Invisible Mother

Like most people, I have a few different email addresses I use for various things.  Today, I decided to go out to one I haven't checked on in a while.  It was loaded with junk, but amongst it I found an email with this story.  I think I needed it today...


It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands, I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'  I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature - but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, and she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was Almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you

Monday, January 3, 2011

The BIG Announcement!

I've been meaning to get this posted for awhile. I figured I better get on here and get it done before pregnancy brain completely takes over and all the details are forgotten.

Here's the shirt (front & back) we bought our daughter to make the big announcement.  Our son is excited about the new sibling, but not nearly like his sister is.  He didn't really care if he got a shirt (kind of like "been there, have the shirt").  :)  I have this thing for owls and when I found this shirt, I just had to get it! :)  Of course I wouldn't buy it before we were actually expecting and that put me in a predicament once we did get our BFP.  So, I ended up ordering it just a few days before I wanted/needed it in my hands.  The seller was INCREDIBLE to work with and so sweet.  She got it out with Fed-Ex to me and I actually received it a day earlier than I needed it.  I ordered it on a pink shirt and maaaan is it soft - I want one like it (although I'd have to pass on the printing - my dad might have a heart attack and start questioning God if he was having a repeat imaculant conception! lol)!

So, down to d-day.  We told my parents first because we were suppose to go on a trip out of town with them a week after we got our BFP.  I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut during the 10-hour round trip car ride.  Now mind you, I had NOT let on that we were even TTC to either of them or really any one else for that matter.  As far as my mom was concerned, I still had my IUD and we were most likely done with the two tornadoes we have.  My sister-in-law caught it on tape (but can't seem to get it to me from her phone, as it keeps telling her the file is too big to transfer - any ideas?) and my mom's reaction was priceless!

We walked in the door, my daughter took off her coat and we said "Grandma, TT #2 wants to show you her new shirt."  So, she's reading it and I slowly turn my daughter around to show her the back and then you can tell that she's trying to register what she's seeing and reading on the back.  Then all we see is the big flash of smile on her face and all she can ask is "really?  reAlly? reALLY?"

Of course my dad happened to be outside snow blowing when we told her, so she had to run to the front door, to try and get his attention.  All we witnessed was hand clapping and giggling from the front as she failed to get his attention.  lol  Finally, she got him inside and in typical dad fashion, he said "congrats," "and when?" with a big smile on his face.  :)

I can't say that telling my in-laws was as fun or even enjoyable.  We decided to make the announcement with the t-shirt the day we all were getting together to celebrate Christmas.  We knew they'd all be together and there would be no seeing who could call who the fastest to gossip about our decision.  My husband procrastinated, in his usual fashion, as much as possible before I finally just said "Grandma, look at TT #2's new shirt."  My mother-in-law's only response was "your house is too small for that."  Yep, that's it.  That's all she could get out and then she was pretty much off kilter the rest of the night (at one point making some random comment to my husband that she would "not be paying our bills" - we've never even borrowed money from them).  So nice that she could be supportive.  My father-in-law said nothing (to me that is, but my husband never mentioned anything either) and only one of my husband's 2 sisters even said congratulations.  So, yeah, we walked away with one congrats (that also included the infamous "was it planned?" question) - that's it.  super.

Now that it has been a couple of weeks - I'm over my in-laws anti-climatic response and moving on.  Because we are excited about this blessing and if they don't want to be, that's their issue.  To be honest, I'm not even sure my mother-in-law has spoken to my husband since Christmas.  Nice, huh?