Fear. Simply put, that's all I was feeling for the last 12-18 hours. Fear all the dreams of baby #3 where going to be taken away. Fear I had done something horribly wrong in some way. Fear that I would have to somehow deal with it alone because this just isn't something you want to share with anyone.
Last night when I went to the bathroom, I wiped and it was pink. Remembering I had had a tough time going to the bathroom earlier in the day, I thought I was maybe seeing some leftover pink from a rear issue all too many pregnant women (and non-pregnant women) experience. So, being the paranoid person I am, I wiped again and realized that the pink was coming from the place I was dreading. So what does a crazy, paranoid pregnant women do next, but check her cervix. Still nice and closed, but more blood is found. I have had absolutely NO bleeding in either of my previous pregnancies, seeing this scared me more than I can express in words.
To back track a little - we decided to stay with my parents last night after a busy day and just not really having a reason to be in a hurry to get home. I'm starting to think God had a reason after what I experienced this morning.
After the TP incident, I went to bathroom once more before bed. Again, finding blood on the TP, but thankful it was still not enough to get on my underwear. I went to bed hoping I would be able to sleep. A million thoughts raced through my mind. Mostly a result of my lovely ability to read too much and in turn know too much for my own good. The thing breaking my heart the most, was knowing that I saw red blood (new blood) and that usually means something bad in a pregnancy. I talked to my husband and he did his best to reassure me and hold my hand while I cried - all the while trying to make sure my parents didn't have a clue.
I did manage to sleep for a few hours, amongst some mild cramps, achy back, and my 2 year old tornado deciding she wanted to sleep with mom and dad. When I went to the bathroom this morning, I did wipe and find more blood (again, just on the TP - thankfully nothing heavier). Then, I had to go again about 30 minutes later, this time when I wiped I found quite a bit of blood and clots. My heart sank and I decided that I would have to fight my cheap side and go to the ER. Go to the ER in a town that is not known for having the greatest ER AND get a nasty bill in turn.
Knowing we wouldn't want the tiny tornadoes with us while we might get heartbreaking news about their new baby brother/sister AND knowing I did not want to be there by myself, I had to tell my parents so we could leave the kids with them. I had to tell my dad, as my mom was still asleep - hardest thing ever is to see that kind of fear flood your own father. The father who has a family history of fertility and miscarriage problems - who has always worried about this for me, his only daughter.
The perk of being at my parents during all of this, is that the trip to the ER was only 5 minutes, instead of the 30 if we would have been home. We sat in the ER for a little while, while they got me all registered. Every nurse that came in, gave me the biggest hug and told me I would be ok. The doctor on call came in and told me her story, 2 healthy babies, 2 miscarriages, and then a very expensive little girl. Knowing that she understood EVERY thing I was feeling inside, made me feel a little more secure in my care. She immediately ordered an ultrasound as our first step.
We waited what was probably only 20 minutes, but felt like an eternity, for the tech to come get us. She brought us right in and got to work with the warm jelly on my belly. She told me she didn't want to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound and mess with mother nature any more if she didn't have to. Immediately, I saw what was recognizably where the baby should be. I didn't think I saw anything inside, just an empty looking black hole - my heart sank. Then, she moved around, zoomed in, and there was the baby, but I didn't see the heartbeat - my heart sank again. The tech starts to name things off and I realized she wouldn't be doing that if something were wrong - she zoomed in and there was our baby (only one too, I might add), bouncing and moving all around. Heartbeat was good and strong at 168 and I even measured 2 days ahead.
AHHHHHH - HUGE sigh of relief!
Our baby was going strong, but I still wondered where the heck the bleeding was coming from?! We got back to the room and talked some more with the ER doc. She felt is was best not to give me an internal exam and let me follow up my OB this week. The bleeding could still be old, from when the baby implanted and the ultrasound didn't show anything serious it was coming from - so she did not want to disturb or create anything worse with the bleeding. She told me to go home and rest and get some fibercon. lol
Now, we just wait until my first official appointment with my OB on Wednesday. I'm working hard to rest and maybe catch up on some sleep I missed out while my mind was racing last night. I finding the hardest thing, is not picking up my kids and making them climb up and sit with me.
In the meantime, here's a pic of our bean to enjoy.
"Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift."
2 Corinthians 9:15