Monday, February 7, 2011

I keep trying to take deep breaths, but for some reason I can’t get rid of the overwhelming feeling I have consuming me.  Today has been filled with many more emotions than I expected.  It’s been a couple days since my last ER visit and it’s like it has all just sunk in.  I am supposed to be working and can’t get my mind off of the unknown.

What scares me the most is knowing there is nothing they can do for the baby if my body decides it no longer wants to be pregnant.  The ER doctor flat out said because I am less than 20 weeks, there is nothing they can or will really do.  Essentially, if my body decides to go into labor, I’ll just deliver the baby and it will die.  I know this is a horrible thought to have, but it’s in the back of my head and it breaks my heart.

It is really hard to grasp why all this is happening.  The doctors have yet to come up with any kind of medical reason.  The reasons I’m coming up with on my own, really aren’t definite causes either.

I called into my OB office this morning to see what kind of follow-up they would like me to do.  My doctor is not in on Monday’s, but his nurse and I talked.  She is taking my situation to one of the other OB’s and was going to get back to me.  It’s been a little while now and I was hoping to hear from her, but I’m fighting back the urge to be one of those patients who doesn’t give them a normal amount of time.  I’m hopeful that they will have me come in and do an extensive ultrasound – to see if they can find an answer to all of this bleeding.  Part of me wonders if it’s better to not have an answer because oblivion is bliss (even if it’s filled with fear).  At least having the reassurance of seeing the baby would help my heart.

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