Fear. Simply put, that's all I was feeling for the last 12-18 hours.  Fear all the dreams of baby #3 where going to be taken away.  Fear I had done something horribly wrong in some way.  Fear that I would have to somehow deal with it alone because this just isn't something you want to share with anyone.

Last night when I went to the bathroom, I wiped and it was pink.  Remembering I had had a tough time going to the bathroom earlier in the day, I thought I was maybe seeing some leftover pink from a rear issue all too many pregnant women (and non-pregnant women) experience.  So, being the paranoid person I am, I wiped again and realized that the pink was coming from the place I was dreading.  So what does a crazy, paranoid pregnant women do next, but check her cervix.  Still nice and closed, but more blood is found.  I have had absolutely NO bleeding in either of my previous pregnancies, seeing this scared me more than I can express in words.

To back track a little - we decided to stay with my parents last night after a busy day and just not really having a reason to be in a hurry to get home.  I'm starting to think God had a reason after what I experienced this morning.

After the TP incident, I went to bathroom once more before bed.  Again, finding blood on the TP, but thankful it was still not enough to get on my underwear.  I went to bed hoping I would be able to sleep.  A million thoughts raced through my mind.  Mostly a result of my lovely ability to read too much and in turn know too much for my own good.  The thing breaking my heart the most, was knowing that I saw red blood (new blood) and that usually means something bad in a pregnancy.  I talked to my husband and he did his best to reassure me and hold my hand while I cried - all the while trying to make sure my parents didn't have a clue.

I did manage to sleep for a few hours, amongst some mild cramps, achy back, and my 2 year old tornado deciding she wanted to sleep with mom and dad.  When I went to the bathroom this morning, I did wipe and find more blood (again, just on the TP - thankfully nothing heavier).  Then, I had to go again about 30 minutes later, this time when I wiped I found quite a bit of blood and clots.  My heart sank and I decided that I would have to fight my cheap side and go to the ER.  Go to the ER in a town that is not known for having the greatest ER AND get a nasty bill in turn.

Knowing we wouldn't want the tiny tornadoes with us while we might get heartbreaking news about their new baby brother/sister AND knowing I did not want to be there by myself, I had to tell my parents so we could leave the kids with them.  I had to tell my dad, as my mom was still asleep - hardest thing ever is to see that kind of fear flood your own father.  The father who has a family history of fertility and miscarriage problems - who has always worried about this for me, his only daughter.

The perk of being at my parents during all of this, is that the trip to the ER was only 5 minutes, instead of the 30 if we would have been home.  We sat in the ER for a little while, while they got me all registered.  Every nurse that came in, gave me the biggest hug and told me I would be ok.  The doctor on call came in and told me her story, 2 healthy babies, 2 miscarriages, and then a very expensive little girl.  Knowing that she understood EVERY thing I was feeling inside, made me feel a little more secure in my care.  She immediately ordered an ultrasound as our first step.

We waited what was probably only 20 minutes, but felt like an eternity, for the tech to come get us.  She brought us right in and got to work with the warm jelly on my belly.  She told me she didn't want to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound and mess with mother nature any more if she didn't have to.  Immediately, I saw what was recognizably where the baby should be.  I didn't think I saw anything inside, just an empty looking black hole - my heart sank.  Then, she moved around, zoomed in, and there was the baby, but I didn't see the heartbeat - my heart sank again.  The tech starts to name things off and I realized she wouldn't be doing that if something were wrong - she zoomed in and there was our baby (only one too, I might add), bouncing and moving all around.  Heartbeat was good and strong at 168 and I even measured 2 days ahead.

AHHHHHH - HUGE sigh of relief!

Our baby was going strong, but I still wondered where the heck the bleeding was coming from?!  We got back to the room and talked some more with the ER doc.  She felt is was best not to give me an internal exam and let me follow up my OB this week.  The bleeding could still be old, from when the baby implanted and the ultrasound didn't show anything serious it was coming from - so she did not want to disturb or create anything worse with the bleeding.  She told me to go home and rest and get some fibercon.  lol

Now, we just wait until my first official appointment with my OB on Wednesday.  I'm working hard to rest and maybe catch up on some sleep I missed out while my mind was racing last night.  I finding the hardest thing, is not picking up my kids and making them climb up and sit with me.

In the meantime, here's a pic of our bean to enjoy.



"Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift."
2 Corinthians 9:15

Impatient.

My patience level seems to be pretty low lately.  Especially towards my first prenatal appointment - seriously, I've waited 6 weeks for this darn appointment and it still isn't here! 

Thankfully, my patience seems to only be low on all things that really don't matter much.  I have, so far, been able to keep my composure with the tiny tornadoes and my husband.  I do continue to have small, hormone induced, outbursts about stupidity at work on occasion (but really, who doesn't?!).

My point of this post though is in regards to this necklace.  I have been in LOVE with it since the day I saw it. 

A few months after I saw the necklace, I was pondering my next tattoo and it all starting coming together.  I've always known I wanted one on my foot, but didn't know what.  I decided because it would probably be my last tattoo, I wanted it to reflect my children somehow.  I had an epiphany one night after listening to one of my favorite songs, Three Little Birds by Bob Marley (Elizabeth Mitchell also does an awesome rendition).  That epiphany brought me to my tattoo idea and back to this necklace.  Making me desire both a little more! :)  The tattoo, has to wait for many obvious reasons.  I'm hoping to find someone to draw it up - I want 3 sparrows, in different colors, going up my foot with something tying them together.

I still REALLY want this necklace though.  So, when Vintage Pearl sends me emails with a discount, I want to scream because I can't go buy this necklace until we know the gender of the baby and have decided on a name.  My plan is to get a cross in the little circle and then (obviously) three birds on the oval part with all of the tiny tornado's names.  :)

Maybe if I buy myself a gift certificate, I'll feel better about the wait.  lol

PS...sorry for any rambling, my brain is all over the place lately (suppose the double shot mocha had this morning isn't helping either.

10 weeks today - 1/4 of the way done!  wooo!
wait, what?!  1/4 of the way done already - I'm scared! lol

Just 7 more days!!

Until my first appointment!!  Ahhh, I can hardly wait!

Unfortunately, all this waiting is causing the crazy hormones to mess with me and create irrational fears.

::sigh::

It was as if he read my mind!

With both of my previous pregnancies,  I had a "thing" (ok, ok...maybe an obsession) with ice cream.  Basically any flavor from maple nut to cookies and cream and beyond was just fine by me and my growing fetuses.  Serve it in a bowl or a cone with chocolate or caramel sauce, I'm not picky.

I blame it on my mom - she tells me that when she was pregnant with me she would go through gallons of Schwan's vanilla ice cream because she had to have a dish every night before bed.

Well, I'm almost afraid to say it, but the ice cream fetish is continuing it's life in pregnancy number three!

While dinner was finishing up in the oven, I whipped together some brownies to cook while we were eating (another item I can't resist, but really? who can when they're warm?!).  As they were cooking and I was smelling them, I realized we didn't have any vanilla ice cream and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted ice cream with my brownies! :)

So, I was deciphering a plan on how I could convince my husband to pick some up while he was at work and stop home with it.  But that was giving me guilt and so I was setting myself up to just be satisfied with my brownies alone.

Then, not 10 minutes later someone was at the door...the Schwan man!! 

Ahhhhhhhh....it was as if he had read my mind!

Seriously?!  A man that delivers ice cream (in many flavors I might add) right to my front door, is just about any pregnant woman's dream come true!

Now I'm sitting here, with my yummy bowl of warm brownies and ice cream....mmmmmm!!

9 weeks and waiting on the next irrational craving.

Invisible Mother

Like most people, I have a few different email addresses I use for various things.  Today, I decided to go out to one I haven't checked on in a while.  It was loaded with junk, but amongst it I found an email with this story.  I think I needed it today...

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It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands, I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'  I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature - but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, and she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was Almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you

The BIG Announcement!

I've been meaning to get this posted for awhile. I figured I better get on here and get it done before pregnancy brain completely takes over and all the details are forgotten.

Here's the shirt (front & back) we bought our daughter to make the big announcement.  Our son is excited about the new sibling, but not nearly like his sister is.  He didn't really care if he got a shirt (kind of like "been there, have the shirt").  :)  I have this thing for owls and when I found this shirt, I just had to get it! :)  Of course I wouldn't buy it before we were actually expecting and that put me in a predicament once we did get our BFP.  So, I ended up ordering it just a few days before I wanted/needed it in my hands.  The seller was INCREDIBLE to work with and so sweet.  She got it out with Fed-Ex to me and I actually received it a day earlier than I needed it.  I ordered it on a pink shirt and maaaan is it soft - I want one like it (although I'd have to pass on the printing - my dad might have a heart attack and start questioning God if he was having a repeat imaculant conception! lol)!

So, down to d-day.  We told my parents first because we were suppose to go on a trip out of town with them a week after we got our BFP.  I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut during the 10-hour round trip car ride.  Now mind you, I had NOT let on that we were even TTC to either of them or really any one else for that matter.  As far as my mom was concerned, I still had my IUD and we were most likely done with the two tornadoes we have.  My sister-in-law caught it on tape (but can't seem to get it to me from her phone, as it keeps telling her the file is too big to transfer - any ideas?) and my mom's reaction was priceless!

We walked in the door, my daughter took off her coat and we said "Grandma, TT #2 wants to show you her new shirt."  So, she's reading it and I slowly turn my daughter around to show her the back and then you can tell that she's trying to register what she's seeing and reading on the back.  Then all we see is the big flash of smile on her face and all she can ask is "really?  reAlly? reALLY?"

Of course my dad happened to be outside snow blowing when we told her, so she had to run to the front door, to try and get his attention.  All we witnessed was hand clapping and giggling from the front as she failed to get his attention.  lol  Finally, she got him inside and in typical dad fashion, he said "congrats," "and when?" with a big smile on his face.  :)

I can't say that telling my in-laws was as fun or even enjoyable.  We decided to make the announcement with the t-shirt the day we all were getting together to celebrate Christmas.  We knew they'd all be together and there would be no seeing who could call who the fastest to gossip about our decision.  My husband procrastinated, in his usual fashion, as much as possible before I finally just said "Grandma, look at TT #2's new shirt."  My mother-in-law's only response was "your house is too small for that."  Yep, that's it.  That's all she could get out and then she was pretty much off kilter the rest of the night (at one point making some random comment to my husband that she would "not be paying our bills" - we've never even borrowed money from them).  So nice that she could be supportive.  My father-in-law said nothing (to me that is, but my husband never mentioned anything either) and only one of my husband's 2 sisters even said congratulations.  So, yeah, we walked away with one congrats (that also included the infamous "was it planned?" question) - that's it.  super.

Now that it has been a couple of weeks - I'm over my in-laws anti-climatic response and moving on.  Because we are excited about this blessing and if they don't want to be, that's their issue.  To be honest, I'm not even sure my mother-in-law has spoken to my husband since Christmas.  Nice, huh?